'08

I started writing New Years Resolutions. Then, I decided I just don't like New Years Resolutions. There's all this build-up and then a stigma and then you wind up in awkward conversations with people that start with, "Sooo what are your RESOLUTIONS?" and I think, "None. I hate setting lofty goals for myself that I never achieve so I just don't set them to begin with." and I say, "Oh I dunno... eat better, exercise, etc. etc." In fact I've never had any New Years Resolutions. Never. Just not a year resolution person. I may have told you that I did, but I was really just jumping on the bandwagon because for some reason it makes you look like a jerk if you don't. Everything in my life is just perfect! I don't need resolutions! Look at meeeee! So I deleted the title and wrote Goals for 2008. But even that seems wrong. Knowing me, I'd wait until November to try and achieve them. I'm settling for:

Purposeful and Achievable Goals for January:

1. Get library card
2. Check out two library books
3. Read library books before end of 3 week time limit
4. Send resume to at least 3 companies
5. Clean condo for 14 min. three times a week

To explain #5: My friend Paul has this crazy work-out routine that he calls his S-Day diet. I feel like I should reference some obscure website when explaining this thing because that is where he found it - online. The S-Day diet consists of the following: you may not have seconds, you can have as much firsts as you want but no seconds, no sugar, and you can eat whatever you want on S-Days which include Saturdays, Sundays and Special Days. It also has a work-out routine, I will spare you the details but it includes a sledgehammer and a sweater in the time interval of 14 minutes. Because 14 minutes is the longest non-schedulable time interval. I know you're thinking what the heck is this? Tell me more about it, this is so strange, a sledgehammer? But I'm not going to, why? Because as you may have guessed it MAKES NO SENSE. I'm sparing you the brain annihilation of trying to find any sort of rational scientific sense of it all. Just trust me, you don't want to know, this is for your own good.

I am borrowing the only part that I think I could make work for me and that is the 14 minute rule. I have a 950 sq. ft. condo, I think it could be made to be consistently and extremely clean if I did something for 14 min. three times a week. That's... boop boop beep... 42 min. total! In 14 min. I can do all the dishes, sweep and vacuum the living room. Or, do the dreaded task of mopping that Joe and I avoid like the plague. Maybe this will save my sanity so that I won't make those 10:30a.m. phone calls to Joe in the morning to wake him to demand to know why, why is our tub now coated in black ... stuff? after his bath last night. Or how could he possibly think he could put a dirty dish into my MY nice clean sink, didn't he notice I just put them all into the washer? And those onions he insisted I buy? The ones that have now disintegrated into a foul-smelling jelly mush in our cabinets which I'm pretty sure is a crude primitive form of napalm, yah I'm not cleaning that up. No, this morning I just did not feel up to braving the obstacle course that is his side of the bed to give him a kiss goodbye. I like my ankles unbroken, thank you. And where the hell are all my socks!??!!