Nicole Tries Ballet Part Quatre

Adrian Aucoin re-injured his groin early in Wednesday night's loss to Philadelphia and did not return to the game.

Girls do have groins (a groin? does groin get pluralized?), and the ballet word for them is "turn-out." Right now I can give you three different stretches for your groin ladies, oh yes! Little did you know men desire a well stretched out groin in a woman.

#1 This one you know well. You sit with your knees bent, feet together and push your knees to the floor. Try and lean over each knee while keeping your butt on the floor.

#2 Spread those legs as wide as you can and push your self to the floor inbetween them. Make sure to keep your knees and toes upright instead of pointing forward.

#3 This one I've nicknamed 'Spread Eagle.' Lay on your back and put your butt against a wall and then spread 'em. Let gravity take each foot to the floor.

Today we had someone from the more advanced class making up one she missed by taking ours. She was in pink tights, pink shoes, black shorts and black scoop neck top... zero boobies. And she was good. I hate her sallow long ballet face. I'm just kidding, I'm sure she's a very lovely girl... for her anorexic physique. I'm so ballerina jealous my shoes are turning green with envy.

We practiced turns today and I have to say ::gulp:: my horrible mother was right when she said we shouldn't be practicing turns yet. Grrrr Who actually likes when their mother is right? The hardest ones to do are ones where you are standing in place. I feel more confident doing the ones when we go across the room, even though I get dizzy because I keep forgetting to spot! I thought I had that down! Anyway, when we were practicing just half turns in place, they were really hard! We had to point out to the side, back into fourth position (feed parallel in back of each other, one a step back from the other) and then up on your toes with one foot at your knee and TURNATTHESAMETIMENOWGO! Ah yes, and lest we forget the elusive arm movements. I have a hard time balancing up on one foot for a long time without the barre (oo ballet speak!). I was glad when we switched to turns going across the room.

Miss Advanced Class was turning out perfect ones. I had to ask her what she was even doing there. Naturally, she turned out to be perfectly nice (damn her!). She even said she was the worst one in the advanced class and that all those dancers had never stopped taking lessons. No wonder they looked at me like I had horns when they walked in on my first day and Ms. Perky was teaching me the basic positions. Oh the humiliation!! All those pink tights in one room, you'd think you're at a drag show.

I have to say, though, I am not the best in the beginners, but there are actually people worse than me! I swear it's true! I don't know if they're just too embarrassed to really try or what. All I know is that there are definitely at least four that I'm better than. That's four out of nine which puts me right smack in the middle, just good enough to get by... I'll take it!

There's 'I look like a ballerina' girl. She had the tights, coolats and a lacy cami, her stretches are crazy good. But she can't get the steps worth shiat. Then there's 'I'm giggly about how I'm so bad' girl. She's I.L.L.A.B. girl's sporty friend who is too timid to really try and jump or turn. Their posse ends with 'I'm awkward and a little frustrated' girl. Who looks like she's really trying, but it's just not happening. The last person I think I'm better than is the older woman. She has a harder time putting the feet and the arms together than I do. Meanwhile t-back, who I think is either her husband or her lova, is trying so hard he's wearing those tights out!

Finishing up left me in a pretty good mood and I went home to be greeted by my boys.

No, no, please, don't get up. Even though I saved you from some horrible person who would probably never EVER feed you lunch meat... EVER. So in restitution for my horrible greeting, I will now post HUMILIATING PICTURES OF YOU MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Do you believe they kicked me out of the country club for not wearing pants???

How could you wear your green polo? I TOLD you I was going to wear mine! GAWD!

Nicole Tries Ballet Part 3

Nicole cools down after another
ballet class

This is how I felt during this week's ballet class. All we talked about through the whole class was arms. Which, as you know, I have an ample supply of. At one point I hit the person next to me. "Oh Nicole," you say, "you're totally exaggerating." I am not. A little background for the layperson: I insist to this day that I should be a model size 5'8" if not 9" tall. Instead I was cheated in the womb and developed an impartial vertebrae resulting in a wretched 5'7" (okay okay, I'm rounding up). A vex on genetic disorders! I truly believe if my vertebrae were totally developed I would be completely in proportion. The rest of my body is built for that 5'8" model, why? WHY? I ask! Therefore, I have approximately two inches extra on my arms. Sure, what's two inches? Oh, it's a lot when you're used to seeing people with no inches extra. My footballer shoulders don't help either. Put your shoulders down. Relax your shoulders. They are relaxed! I promise! Well poopies, what can you do? Lop off an inch of both my arms?? I have to figure out a way to make my limbs look graceful and artistic. This is going to take some practice...

Class was really fun. We did some old things, some new things, I showed off the things I practiced at home and totally flopped at some of the new. Why does the explanation sound so easy in your head but when you try and do a combination it just goes crazy? It's like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach in a circle at the same time. We were doing relevaes, that's when you point your toe forward and kick a little bit off the floor, and there were different arm movements to it too. And I swear it sounds so easy but then I tried to do it all together and it just went blacfb823r0odfgj. At least, that's the Greek translation. I'll just have to torture the cats some more with my practicing.

On Sunday I was practicing my p.k's (I have no freaking idea how to spell that) across the floor and back and it seems I riled Manus up because the next thing I knew he was running along with me. Probably trying to get my shoes, sneaky bastard.

Some of the girls in the class are really timid when they do combinations. Instead of leaping, they just kind of hop. Come on! We're all in spandex here, you can't even try to hide anything. I, however, am leaping my heart out, of course. ...and throwing my monkey arms around in artistic expressions. I feel I'm portraying deep emotions like "WEE!!!" and "Look at me!" and "Ow I landed on my ankle weird back there and now it kinda hurts!"

We also did jump combinations. I have one thing to say about those: now I know why ballerinas do not have boobies. They fell off.

Conclusion to class# 3: Monkey arms rear their ugly heads yet again. God reminded me why it was a bad idea in 5th grade stuff my mom's bra with tomatoes, wear it around the house and dream.

Nicole Tries Ballet Part 2

Today I was anxious to go to my second class, and a little nervous. I pretty much had spotting down, except for the whole balancing on the toes thing, that was still shaky. Still, I really wanted to see if I was getting any better. I know you can't expect much in a week, but just to know the warm-up steps would make me feel like I accomplished something. Then I could concentrate on the arms or looking hott in my pants (HA! like I need to even THINK about that).

There was another reason why I was worried. There was a minor groin incident on Saturday, involving alcohol, techno music and a midget. No suriously, there was a midget.

FLASHBACK!! (not Flashdance... yet?)
::Boom shaka boom shaka boom boom shaka shaka::
Meg: HAHAHA ohmygosh boom boom shaka be- boom shaka you!
Me: WHAT!
Meg: ::yelling into my ear:: There's totally this midget behind you dancing and it looks like he's getting down with you, you look HI-larious!
Me: ::doing not so conspicuous drunk glance:: HAHA!! Niiiiice...
::Boom shaka boom boom booooom::
He definitely had bleached blonde hair.
Two hours later...
Me: Aw man I think I pulled my groin.
Meg: Do girls have groins?
Me: I dunno, but if Kabbables can do it, I certainly can.
Meg: Who?
Me: What? I've lost all hearing in that ear.
Meg: Never mind.
Next morning... I'm gimping around like a ... uh... gimp.

Luckily my regimen of wearing flats to work from last Thursday on seems to have paid off. Today I arrived on time and stretched out. The regular instructor, Jessica, was there. She was wearing cut-off pink tights, pink ballet shoes and a black long-sleeved top. I can't figure out whether her bottoms were shorts or a skirt, no matter. Oh yes, AND leg-warmers that went up to her thighs. I LOVE leg-warmers. Her cut-off pink tights almost made me take back my comment of "What the?" when I saw cut-off tights in Lucky magazine declared "hip"... almost. I was wearing my hott pants and my Vandy Rites of Spring t-shirt (in no way affiliated with the ballet, instead a drunken concert on alumni lawn. Whoop! Commodores!).

Author's side note: Has anyone been into Express lately? Because they definitely have **jazz pants** there, no lie. When was the last time you've seen spandex pants tried to be pulled off by anyone other than your grandmother? It was a little scary... I buy **jazz pants** all of a sudden **jazz pants** are supposedly in style (::looks right, left, behind shoulder::). I think I'm being followed. Still I will never EVER try and wear these things in public besides the half a block walk to the dance studio. Anyway...

Right away I breathed a sigh of relief, Jessica started explaining positions. EXPLAINING!! What a novel idea! If only she had suggested this to her perky replacement last week. Although I spent my time listening adjusting myself in the warped mirror so that my right thigh looked huge compared to my left... and reverse... and back... and reverse. Sometimes I think I have adult ADD. It seems not only the older blonde lady was put off by Ms. Perky, this week there were three less people in our class. That was fine with me, it meant I could bend over at the bar without worrying about literally brown-nosing the person in front of me.

Our warm-up was much more enjoyable for me because our regular instructor went a lot slower and explained every detail. Now I finally know the point of the point exercise: to pointe (oh yes, that's an 'e'). We did a new exercise where you make a half-circle with your foot and back again. It amazes me that ultimately all of these exercises are made to form your foot into a perfect point. I love it! It reminds me of all the discipline that I had to put into learning the right technique for violin.

Jessica gave us a nice speech about not moving our arms like five year olds. I have yet to achieve that grace seeing as my limbs are twice as long as necessary for the rest of my body. It's true, people have made not-so-nice comments. Ahem JOE. I never seem to know what to do with my arms.

Random Guy at Apartment Party: Woa, when you raised your arm right then it looked crazy long... do it again.
Me: No.
RGaAP: Do it.
Me: No.
RGaAP: Aw fuck this I'm getting a beer.
Me: Yes thank you?

At the end we tried the same combination step we tried last week, sache, sache, step step little gran je te. This time I think I nailed it! Then we changed directions and feet and I lost it again. Oh well, just making it once was worth it.

At the end we stretched out on the floor, and I must say I have the second most loose hamstrings in the class, take that T-back!

Mostly I think I just look awkward. I don't think I have very fluid body movements. Gotta work on that.

FLASHBACK!!!
Me: Leanne, do I look weird when I dance at clubs?
Le: mmm... no most of the time you look normal, then sometimes you just look awkward.
Me: hmmmm... sometimes I just feel awkward.
Le: Deep.

Practice Makes Purrrrfect

Today marks the first morning where my legs have been really sore! Yesterday afternoon they were a little stiff, but I attributed that to my loverly 8-hours-behind-a-desk job.

Last night I practiced my **new moves** to try and see if I could possibly improve. Unfortunately, I seem to have forgotten 50% of my **new moves**. So I kind of improvised. Arms to the right? Left? Who cares! I think the feet are right. My cats were especially interested in watching me twirl from one side of the floor and back. I was working on being up on my toes, feet shoulder width apart, then spinning 180 degrees so that I move one step over and then a 360 to turn back around and again and again in clockwise circles (can you tell I'm an Engineer?). I'm not really sure which way to spin going left though. Counterclockwise? Does it matter? It probably does. The arms are supposed to be "open" turning one way and "closed" going the other. I'm not sure which is which. I should probably concentrate on where I'm going anyway. I only ran into the wall once! I need to work on 'spotting.' That's when you pick a spot on the wall and when you turn, each time you have to focus on it. It apparently takes me more concentration than I want to give to whip my head around before my feet to focus on my spot. It's worth it though to not fall on my face or get dizzy and wander into my TV... or a cat.

Fenster and McManus were especially interested when I was practicing pointing my foot out to the side really fast in first position and alternating feet (there's some fancy French word for this but I have no idea what it is, in fact, I really have no idea what the point of this is - haha ballet pun, get it... ::sound of crickets:: - but it was one of the **new moves** that I could actually remember). The boys kept creeping up on me and peering around the corner to spy. I think if I keep this up, one day I'll look down and there will be a cat attacking my foot. I do have to say they are a captivated audience. Maybe I am doing something right? haha.

Joe is also happy about my new hobby. But I think it's only because I told him I wear tight pants and my butt looks hott (not a spelling error). Oh well, I can use all the support I can get however misguided. Just kidding baby! I know you're proud of me!

Nicole Tries Ballet Part 1

Today was my first Ballet lesson. I got home at 5:15 and decided to eat my steak tips lean cuisine as opposed to the chicken and cheese because I figured it was heartier (and it was a whopping point more than the chicken whoop!). I tried on my **jazz pants**, as the girl in the store called them. Turns out **jazz pants** are crazy tight. Good thing I've lost five pounds due to the wedding planning driving me virtually insane. I took my canvas, pink, freaking adorable Ballet shoes out of their plastic bag and proceeded to sew the elastics around my ankle and to the arch part of my foot. I was not aware you had to do this, the girl at the store told me I had to. My little tootsies were looking crazy adorable.

Of course, this whole sewing fiasco had me sprinting to the dance place (oh so conveniently located a block away from my apartment so no worries). I expected a room full of people of different ages, all in pink ballet shoes, hands on bars, practicing the different ballet positions religiously for the entire hour.

Toes out! And one and two and tail bone down! And up and down and up and down andupanddownandupanddownand hoooooooooooooooooooold.

As it always is when you start something new, it was totally different. There were about 15 girls and one man in a t-back thong (and no he was not under the age of 25... or 35 for that matter). Most of the girls were my age except for two women, one blonde, one brunette. The brunette was older and was wearing a black leotard with black tights. She was... mmmm.... a little bulbous for the leotard.

We went around the room introducing ourselves and saying how much experience we had in ballet. Most girls said they had stopped taking when they were seven. The man said he'd taken for 10 years. (Do I hear an 'uh-oh'?)

Our instructor, definitely a peppy little blonde ex-luvabull asked us to go to the bar to warm up. And then it was

First, pleee-aaaa plee-aaa and down and second and plee-aaa plee-aaa and down and reach and stretch and up and back and j bixnd iewrfjds saed down uddp ffnccmd ?????????

And I was lost... I don't do well with new body steps a la dance movements. I went to Swing Club in college twice. The last time I had to dance with an experienced guy who tried to teach me some things... it didn't go well.

Him: Left and touch! Left and touch!
Me: ::left and right left and right::
Him: No! Left and touch! Left and touch!
Me: Riiight right right.... ::left and right left and right::
Him: Ohmygosh is that Carol? ::walks off:: CAROL!
Me: aaawww.... ::pout::

We moved to the middle of the floor and started doing turns. Except they were point to the top, to the side, back and up to the knee while up on your toes AND TURN!!!! AH!!!!

So I started getting a little... flustered. Damn this little blonde and her pointed toes with the right steps and the turns! I wasn't planning on turning! I was planning on being stationary with a nice supportive bar! Where's my bar! Speaking of bar... anybody want to get a drink after this?

Then we did mini gran je te's across the floor (I know how to spell that because when I was 12 I had a picture of a ballerina on my wall leaping in the air with the words "Gran Je Te" in cursive underneath... there might be an accent somewhere in there since those French are so fond of them). Then she added a step and I had to stop class to ask her what it was again because she went on to the arms and I got lost. (T-back guy was leaping his heart out meanwhile.)

We ended in the middle of the floor stretching with the different ballet positions, where our lovely instructor demonstrated the arm and head movements (head movements?). I felt too awkward to do the head movements. I mean, come on, look left look right look down and up? I had a hard enough time not falling over. I decided it was a better idea to keep my eyes front and focused so I didn't go down.

After class I asked Ms. Perky if she could go through the positions with me. She was nice enough to comply. I left and heard the older blonde woman saying she was dropping the class seeing as she'd never taken ballet before (hey jump on the bandwagon lady!) . A young blonde was arguing with her that she should stay (I could see the poor woman was just embarrassed and didn't want to have the conversation).

Young Blonde: Not everyone has taken.
Old Blonde: Yes but I don't even know the positions, I just wouldn't be able to catch up.
Y.B.: You can like ask her, she was showing that girl what the positions are.

And it hit me... I'm still 'that girl.' Yep, I'm surely on my way of being 'that girl' in the back of the class that asks a billion questions.

Me: Can you show me the steps again? Do you bend your knees? Is it the right arm or the left arm? How low do you hold your arms?
Everyone Else: Will that girl ever shut up?

::Sigh:: I retreated to my apartment. Where, of course, I had to try to do the moves in the middle of my hallway, holding onto a door frame. Manus watched me up-sidedown on his back with his "are you kidding me?" look. I was unscathed. Let him try doing the splits when he hasn't done one since high school - HA! I brushed him even though he hates it just to show him who's boss. Don't worry, it wasn't cat abuse, he got a treat afterwards and promptly retreated to the bathroom sink to plot against Fenster.

Conclusion: Day one, a little discouraging. But no worries, I signed up for this, I'm seeing it through. Plus they already cashed my check, and I bought shoes! I don't return shoes. Shoes mean commitment.

A Little Bout Me

Manus

I've lived in the fabulous city of Chicago for about a year now. I've settled into my one bedroom 800 sq. foot apartment, learned the CTA and acquired two floofy irish cats (Fenster and McManus) thus solidifying my life as a person living alone. I was lucky enough to find my soulmate years ago and he proposed last July. Before that huge decision, he made the leap from IT guy to culinary afficionado and jumped into a totally different field. Part jealous, part inspired by his change, I came upon the idea of doing what I've wanted to do for years but never had the courage: take ballet lessons.

Fenster

Have I ever taken ballet lessons before? Yes, I was five years old and a bee stung me in the parking lot. That's about all I remember, even though my mom insists that when we saw the Nutcracker I shouted out all the steps they were doing (yah that was me, the annoying five year old in the back). I was also that annoying little girl who shouted "No Fivel! Don't go outside!" in the theatre during An American Tail. I'm not nearly as adorable now, I'm sorry to say.